Finding Myself
One day I was writing a speech for my brother's wedding and I found this line flowing out of me {it's such a gift when that happens - usually I am yanking the words out like weeds that have sprouted two-year old roots}. The sentence references the year I bought a 1986 BMW and drove around the country with my mountain bike strapped to the roof. If you asked me at the time, I was looking for food done right {local, organic, sustainable, and other various wonderfully crunchy terms}. What I was going to do when I found that food was yet to be determined. Perhaps it would find me career, community, companionship, cause.
If you asked me why I bought that car and took that drive in the dozen years since, I would tell you a different story depending on the year, day, mood, or circumstance. I was adventuring! I was avoiding reality. I was taking part in the great American road trip. I was chasing love. I was running away from love. I was inviting my next big thing. I was wasting time.
And when I sat down yesterday and made reference to that trip, I said that “I was finding myself and I’m still looking, in case you’ve seen me.”
I wrote it because it's funny - and also, after the words hit the page, I realized just how very true it is.
I think there are some people who find themselves/their path early in life and follow it. Like a friend who was destined to be a doctor practically since birth and now finds himself the chief of his department. Or a former colleague who went to engineering and then law school, got a job as a patent attorney and is now partner. Or Beyonce who formed Destiny's Child at age nine. {I wonder if this is the first time a doctor and a patent attorney has been compared to Beyonce}.
And then there are some people who know what they want to be at a young age, but never end up achieving that dream. I'm not the first to note that we aren't all given the same blank canvas with which to paint our masterpiece.
And then there are some people who wander for a bit in their early years only to find a path that answers their calling once they have a few more years under their belt.
And then there’s us. Us, who either find our path really late in life - or maybe never. And if it's never, then perhaps our path is the “finding myself” path. What if that were a totally legitimate path?
What do you do? I'm a doctor.
What do you do? I'm a patent attorney.
What do you do? I'm finding myself.
When I think about it, it actually sounds like a really fun journey. If only we gave ourselves permission to stop trying to find our thing - stop putting pressure on ourselves to conform - stop comparing ourselves to everyone else - and just let ourselves be. Be finding ourselves.
So, I'm going to give a speech. And I'm going to be a mom. And I'm going to be a coach. And I'm going to write. And I'm going to keep finding good food. And all the while, I'll be finding myself.
